You're at a networking event, or a party, and you want to get to know people quickly. So you do what everyone does. "Hi, who are you? What do you do?" In return, you find out a job title. But a job title tells you nothing about who someone is.
In the video at the top of this post, I share one question that changes that dynamic and makes people remember you after a networking event.
There's a reason those conversations feel empty. In 1923 the anthropologist Bronisław Malinowski was studying people in the Trobriand Islands, and he noticed that people there, and everywhere, use this kind of talk to form a social bond. The way you behave at a networking event is no different. He called it "phatic communion." "How are you?" is a question nobody expects an honest answer to. So five minutes later, you've forgotten most of what the other person said, and they've forgotten you. You may as well have never asked a question at all.
Ask this question instead.
"When things are going really great for you, what's going on?"
Use those exact words, or at least something really, really close. It's called The Memorable Stranger Move, and it's from chapter 14 of my new book. The question asks people about the bright sparks in their life, the times when they're happiest.
Their answer will tell you something about what they value, and What Matters Most to them. Say someone tells you they're at their best on a Sunday afternoon, in the kitchen, cooking for their whole family. That points to values like Family, Creativity, and Tradition. There are 56 values in all, and you can download the full list from the Resources page on my website.
Then encourage them to keep talking about it.
Why it's called The Memorable Stranger Move.
People will remember you, because you asked them a question and gave them an opportunity to talk about who they truly are, on the inside, where it counts. Most of the people they meet at an event are forgotten within a week. You won't be. Ironically, they will consider you to be the most interesting person they met, because you allowed them to talk about what matters most to them.
Two notes from the book will help it work. Don't open with the question. Trade three or four of the usual questions first, so the person is comfortable, or the question will sound strange. Then, after you ask it, stop talking and give them time. Nobody has asked them this before, so they won't have an answer ready.
Try it at the next event you go to. Let me know how it goes.
Everything gets easier when you know what matters most.
My new book walks you through all kinds of ways to identify (and use) your values, and it's available for pre-order now. It's called The Values Map, and I would be very grateful if you pre-ordered a copy. ❤️
